Understanding…
It’s a hard thing to come by. Sometimes it can happen in second…maybe even a minute. You grasp at the idea of something else and it gives pause. But sometimes, it takes days, months or even years to really understand a person. It is understanding that allows you to connect to someone on a level past the surface. It’s deeper than a nominal glance. It’s a bond. It binds you to whomever, however, whenever. You and that person or thing has now come to terms and whatever happens, you now understand why. It is one of the few things that drive me. Understanding... To understand how things are and why they are. To understand people and why they do the things that they do. Or better yet, in my case…to be understood. For years and still now, its one of my top two things I want in my life. To be understood. Some people may get me, but they don’t understand me. There are maybe a handful of these people. And I do mean a handful. Use a baby hand for that measurement and you’ll be dead on. They have known me for years. They get that when I do something, there is a reason. They may not know what it is, but they know there is a cause for my action. This is where understanding would come into play. You would understand that my actions are not just the reaction of an event but also to prevent whatever negative situation that may have caused it. You would know the reason why I acted in whatever manner. I act not for the moment but for many moments to come. I move so that I can be better tomorrow or the day after. I adjust myself so that I can fit into the shape that the future might bring. But I do this because I understand it. I know that through my life things can and will happen. People will say something on the surface and hide the true intentions right behind it and a lot of people won’t see it. The problem is, I do. I’ve been in the military, overseas and back. Saw a lot of things, did a lot of things. Some good and some bad. But in all of it, I was learning. I was coming to terms with things. How people act, how they move. Why they do this and why they do that. I don’t quite grasp how I can get it. Maybe because I’m an artist. To draw something from sight means I had to have studied it intensely enough to understand it. I can do this. I can also pull ideas from my head and put it on paper because I understand how it works. Sometimes I wonder if it’s something God decided to add on. If that’s the case then I’ll be the first to tell you I don’t want it. I love you Lord, but I can’t handle it. It’s something that makes me analyze things and 90% it’s dead on but sometimes I find things that I never wanted to know or things there were never there to begin with. But I understand it’s me. I understand that it’s something that I have to figure out. And to be honest, I do. But the problem is this with me. I understand them but they don’t understand me. Sometimes it’s so alone in my life. I have people around me that say they do, but I can see in their eyes it’s only something said to help get me past my depression. They will never understand me. They won’t even try. They can’t remember they last thing they said to a person let alone remember me. And it’s painful cause I see it and they don’t. I realize it and they won’t. They deny it. They say they do and turn around and do the same thing again. There is no understanding then. One of the things I hate is repeating something that someone and I agreed on. If you agree then you understand. But if you don’t agree, you probably understand or don’t want to agree. Now can you understand and not agree? Sure…” I see where you are coming from but…”. That’s it right there. Can you not understand and yet agree? You could but you would be a fool to submit to something you don’t understand. So when someone says to me, I agree, I imagine that you understand what I said and its good. When you do this but go back on it, trust begins to chip and break away. All because of one tiny, supposedly insignificant, lie. Had we chosen to be honest at the beginning, none of this would be an issue. But just to get it out of the way for now, we lie. This does not set well with me. You can lie about a few things and some people are willing to look over it because on some level, they understand. But to lie ABOUT understanding someone will tear down a friendship brick by brick. I could be wrong about this. But this is about me so I’m saying I’m not. It’s the way I work. It’s my blueprint. You want me to care? Understand me first. I walk around all day with people. I sit and work with people all day. I live with people but I’m all alone in the midst of them. To be understood is to be accepted. To accept me, means you understand me. I look people in the eye that I’ve known for years and they don’t get me. Everything thing they do, is almost always for self gain .Small little motivators to position people in the spot that they want. To control things. I’ve found that when people who are used to the control, whether it’s to control or being controlled, are taken out of that situation, its almost as if they don’t know how to act. Everything becomes volatile. The littlest spark becomes a wild fire. And they don’t understand why. If you spent your years doing something and adjusting to it, when it changes you’re not sure on what to do. Prison inmates are a chief example. They call it to be “institutionalized”. Where the situation you are in becomes all that you know and you accept it and become comfortable with it and any change in it will cause moderate discomfort. I don’t think you have to be in prison to be that way. Certain aspects of life can be that way. Some are due to fear and pain but others can hide in the guise of love. And the minute you question it, you are contradicting this so called love. You are made to feel like you are the bad guy. You are the villain. And then you are forced to submit for the sake of the feelings of another forsaking yours altogether to satisfy other person’s selfish acts. I see it and I admit, it would bother me but I understand it now so it doesn’t anymore. I understand people now. I get why they do certain things. I’m not expert. I can only talk about what’s been true to me. But in my immediate area, I know that no one really understands me and they don’t care to try long. I’m okay with this fact. Its not going to destroy me because I am bigger than that. I know it means nothing in the long run. I have adapted to being alone. I have become “institutionalized” by it. I have accepted the fact that it will never change. I just wished that people would understand themselves…then maybe they could understand me…
“If you understand the nature of a thing, you know what it’s capable of.”
