Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Still Seeking Understanding
If you don't share someone's pain, you can never understand them. But just because you understand them doesn't mean you can come to an agreement. That's the truth.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
How I feel today and most times of my life...
She walked by the ocean,
And waited for a star,
To carry her away.
Feelin' so small,
At the bottom of the world,
Lookin' up to God.
She tries to take deep breaths,
To smell the salty sea,
As it moves over her feet.
The water pulls so strong,
And no-one is around,
And the moon is looking down.
Sayin',
Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes - and dream.
The big ships are rollin',
And lightin' up the night,
And she calls out, but they just her pass by.
The waves are crashin',
But not making a sound,
Just mouthing along.
Sayin',
Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream
And waited for a star,
To carry her away.
Feelin' so small,
At the bottom of the world,
Lookin' up to God.
She tries to take deep breaths,
To smell the salty sea,
As it moves over her feet.
The water pulls so strong,
And no-one is around,
And the moon is looking down.
Sayin',
Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes - and dream.
The big ships are rollin',
And lightin' up the night,
And she calls out, but they just her pass by.
The waves are crashin',
But not making a sound,
Just mouthing along.
Sayin',
Rosie - come with me,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream,
Close your eyes and dream
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
To my First Born Child
I don't know you yet but I can honestly say, I've been waiting for you for all of my adult life. I've had dreams, visions, thoughts and ideas on who you would be. I've spent days and nights wondering about you. Just last week thursday, May 5th, 2011 at around 7:30-8:00 AM, I find out that you were on your way here and my heart stopped. It was too good to be true. Had this actually be for real? Something that I though was so far out of my reach was happening. I stood still and nodded to Caitlin. "Well," I said, "Looks like finally coming about." I stay cool. I didn't want to let on what my heart so desperately longed for. I had to play it that way because its my nature not to get excited about things so good that it may not be true. Caitlin was crazy happy. She hugged me, smiled and left to drop Kiya, our puppy, at her moms and to also inform her of the good news. When she left. I stopped again and I prayed to God. I thanked Him for this gift and then I prayed that we would see you. I asked that He keep you safe and bring you to us. I could in my hardness take it but I feared Caitlin would not fare as well. I prayed that she would see you. I thank the Lord everyday for you and I smile every time I think of you. Its amazing to me that I haven't met you yet nor do I know you but I love you so much already. I want to be such a great father to you. To help you grow and become a strong person in the Lord Jesus Christ. I want to raise you in His will and ways. I pray that I will be up to the task of showing you this world and help you find your path. I hope that the times where you think I'm being mean or not understanding are very few and far inbetween. I want so much to show you it all. To teach you right from wrong, to watch you grow and be secure in God and yourself. I want you to know you. I want you to know that before you were a thought in my head, I knew you would be great. I want you to know that even if the world falls down around you and things don't go how you want them too, you will always be the world to me. I wish all the best things for you. I want you to be kind and loving. Unselfish to others and always quick to reach out and help whomever no matter whatever. Caitlin has all of these things and I want so much for you to have those qualities. I want you to have that. I'm not, at times, the greatest person. I mess up quite a bit but when I fall, I don't stay down long. My stubbornness is sometimes my greatest weakness and my biggest strength. Sometimes I can move and no matter what, I refuse to be moved. My will and my determination to overcome are a great asset but I pray that you can do what I can't and find the balance between it. Be Strong, Be Faithful, Be Kind, Be Thoughtful, Be Honest, Be Loving, BE TRUE...be all those things and more. You and I, we are going to have our times. You are I are going to be mad at each other. You're going to keep me up at nights and I'm going to make you not want to speak to me. I know this and I understand. I want you to understand that through all of that, through anything that life throws at us. I will never cease to love you. You may do things I don't like but I will always be your daddy and I will never stop loving you. I will always want to hug you and embarrass you and make you feel awkward with your friends when I brag about you to others. When those days come, when you don't particularly like me that time, I hope you will still always love me too. You are the hope and dream that I have always had. You make everything in my world complete. You are the first brick towards Caitlin and I having a home. With you, we finally have our own little family. I want time to speed up so I can see you. So I can see a gift so wonderful, it could only come from heaven. I can't wait for you to see our friends, your grandparents, your family, your world. We are going to love you so much and one day, when you are older and you look at me, I hope you know that everything I ever did was for you and your mother. I hope I can make you as happy as just the mere thought of you makes me. The world is not the best of places but it has plenty of good in it and I hope that you will let me hold you hands and show it to you even after the point when you don't need to hold my hand anymore. I love you kid. More than you could possibly begin to fathom. I know you need to take your time and get ready before you are ready to come out but when you do, I 'll be waiting for you with a ball and a glove ready to play catch with you...
Love, Now Always and Forever...Your Dad.
Finished on June 1, 2011
PS...I love you.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Understanding
Understanding…
It’s a hard thing to come by. Sometimes it can happen in second…maybe even a minute. You grasp at the idea of something else and it gives pause. But sometimes, it takes days, months or even years to really understand a person. It is understanding that allows you to connect to someone on a level past the surface. It’s deeper than a nominal glance. It’s a bond. It binds you to whomever, however, whenever. You and that person or thing has now come to terms and whatever happens, you now understand why. It is one of the few things that drive me. Understanding... To understand how things are and why they are. To understand people and why they do the things that they do. Or better yet, in my case…to be understood. For years and still now, its one of my top two things I want in my life. To be understood. Some people may get me, but they don’t understand me. There are maybe a handful of these people. And I do mean a handful. Use a baby hand for that measurement and you’ll be dead on. They have known me for years. They get that when I do something, there is a reason. They may not know what it is, but they know there is a cause for my action. This is where understanding would come into play. You would understand that my actions are not just the reaction of an event but also to prevent whatever negative situation that may have caused it. You would know the reason why I acted in whatever manner. I act not for the moment but for many moments to come. I move so that I can be better tomorrow or the day after. I adjust myself so that I can fit into the shape that the future might bring. But I do this because I understand it. I know that through my life things can and will happen. People will say something on the surface and hide the true intentions right behind it and a lot of people won’t see it. The problem is, I do. I’ve been in the military, overseas and back. Saw a lot of things, did a lot of things. Some good and some bad. But in all of it, I was learning. I was coming to terms with things. How people act, how they move. Why they do this and why they do that. I don’t quite grasp how I can get it. Maybe because I’m an artist. To draw something from sight means I had to have studied it intensely enough to understand it. I can do this. I can also pull ideas from my head and put it on paper because I understand how it works. Sometimes I wonder if it’s something God decided to add on. If that’s the case then I’ll be the first to tell you I don’t want it. I love you Lord, but I can’t handle it. It’s something that makes me analyze things and 90% it’s dead on but sometimes I find things that I never wanted to know or things there were never there to begin with. But I understand it’s me. I understand that it’s something that I have to figure out. And to be honest, I do. But the problem is this with me. I understand them but they don’t understand me. Sometimes it’s so alone in my life. I have people around me that say they do, but I can see in their eyes it’s only something said to help get me past my depression. They will never understand me. They won’t even try. They can’t remember they last thing they said to a person let alone remember me. And it’s painful cause I see it and they don’t. I realize it and they won’t. They deny it. They say they do and turn around and do the same thing again. There is no understanding then. One of the things I hate is repeating something that someone and I agreed on. If you agree then you understand. But if you don’t agree, you probably understand or don’t want to agree. Now can you understand and not agree? Sure…” I see where you are coming from but…”. That’s it right there. Can you not understand and yet agree? You could but you would be a fool to submit to something you don’t understand. So when someone says to me, I agree, I imagine that you understand what I said and its good. When you do this but go back on it, trust begins to chip and break away. All because of one tiny, supposedly insignificant, lie. Had we chosen to be honest at the beginning, none of this would be an issue. But just to get it out of the way for now, we lie. This does not set well with me. You can lie about a few things and some people are willing to look over it because on some level, they understand. But to lie ABOUT understanding someone will tear down a friendship brick by brick. I could be wrong about this. But this is about me so I’m saying I’m not. It’s the way I work. It’s my blueprint. You want me to care? Understand me first. I walk around all day with people. I sit and work with people all day. I live with people but I’m all alone in the midst of them. To be understood is to be accepted. To accept me, means you understand me. I look people in the eye that I’ve known for years and they don’t get me. Everything thing they do, is almost always for self gain .Small little motivators to position people in the spot that they want. To control things. I’ve found that when people who are used to the control, whether it’s to control or being controlled, are taken out of that situation, its almost as if they don’t know how to act. Everything becomes volatile. The littlest spark becomes a wild fire. And they don’t understand why. If you spent your years doing something and adjusting to it, when it changes you’re not sure on what to do. Prison inmates are a chief example. They call it to be “institutionalized”. Where the situation you are in becomes all that you know and you accept it and become comfortable with it and any change in it will cause moderate discomfort. I don’t think you have to be in prison to be that way. Certain aspects of life can be that way. Some are due to fear and pain but others can hide in the guise of love. And the minute you question it, you are contradicting this so called love. You are made to feel like you are the bad guy. You are the villain. And then you are forced to submit for the sake of the feelings of another forsaking yours altogether to satisfy other person’s selfish acts. I see it and I admit, it would bother me but I understand it now so it doesn’t anymore. I understand people now. I get why they do certain things. I’m not expert. I can only talk about what’s been true to me. But in my immediate area, I know that no one really understands me and they don’t care to try long. I’m okay with this fact. Its not going to destroy me because I am bigger than that. I know it means nothing in the long run. I have adapted to being alone. I have become “institutionalized” by it. I have accepted the fact that it will never change. I just wished that people would understand themselves…then maybe they could understand me…
“If you understand the nature of a thing, you know what it’s capable of.”
It’s a hard thing to come by. Sometimes it can happen in second…maybe even a minute. You grasp at the idea of something else and it gives pause. But sometimes, it takes days, months or even years to really understand a person. It is understanding that allows you to connect to someone on a level past the surface. It’s deeper than a nominal glance. It’s a bond. It binds you to whomever, however, whenever. You and that person or thing has now come to terms and whatever happens, you now understand why. It is one of the few things that drive me. Understanding... To understand how things are and why they are. To understand people and why they do the things that they do. Or better yet, in my case…to be understood. For years and still now, its one of my top two things I want in my life. To be understood. Some people may get me, but they don’t understand me. There are maybe a handful of these people. And I do mean a handful. Use a baby hand for that measurement and you’ll be dead on. They have known me for years. They get that when I do something, there is a reason. They may not know what it is, but they know there is a cause for my action. This is where understanding would come into play. You would understand that my actions are not just the reaction of an event but also to prevent whatever negative situation that may have caused it. You would know the reason why I acted in whatever manner. I act not for the moment but for many moments to come. I move so that I can be better tomorrow or the day after. I adjust myself so that I can fit into the shape that the future might bring. But I do this because I understand it. I know that through my life things can and will happen. People will say something on the surface and hide the true intentions right behind it and a lot of people won’t see it. The problem is, I do. I’ve been in the military, overseas and back. Saw a lot of things, did a lot of things. Some good and some bad. But in all of it, I was learning. I was coming to terms with things. How people act, how they move. Why they do this and why they do that. I don’t quite grasp how I can get it. Maybe because I’m an artist. To draw something from sight means I had to have studied it intensely enough to understand it. I can do this. I can also pull ideas from my head and put it on paper because I understand how it works. Sometimes I wonder if it’s something God decided to add on. If that’s the case then I’ll be the first to tell you I don’t want it. I love you Lord, but I can’t handle it. It’s something that makes me analyze things and 90% it’s dead on but sometimes I find things that I never wanted to know or things there were never there to begin with. But I understand it’s me. I understand that it’s something that I have to figure out. And to be honest, I do. But the problem is this with me. I understand them but they don’t understand me. Sometimes it’s so alone in my life. I have people around me that say they do, but I can see in their eyes it’s only something said to help get me past my depression. They will never understand me. They won’t even try. They can’t remember they last thing they said to a person let alone remember me. And it’s painful cause I see it and they don’t. I realize it and they won’t. They deny it. They say they do and turn around and do the same thing again. There is no understanding then. One of the things I hate is repeating something that someone and I agreed on. If you agree then you understand. But if you don’t agree, you probably understand or don’t want to agree. Now can you understand and not agree? Sure…” I see where you are coming from but…”. That’s it right there. Can you not understand and yet agree? You could but you would be a fool to submit to something you don’t understand. So when someone says to me, I agree, I imagine that you understand what I said and its good. When you do this but go back on it, trust begins to chip and break away. All because of one tiny, supposedly insignificant, lie. Had we chosen to be honest at the beginning, none of this would be an issue. But just to get it out of the way for now, we lie. This does not set well with me. You can lie about a few things and some people are willing to look over it because on some level, they understand. But to lie ABOUT understanding someone will tear down a friendship brick by brick. I could be wrong about this. But this is about me so I’m saying I’m not. It’s the way I work. It’s my blueprint. You want me to care? Understand me first. I walk around all day with people. I sit and work with people all day. I live with people but I’m all alone in the midst of them. To be understood is to be accepted. To accept me, means you understand me. I look people in the eye that I’ve known for years and they don’t get me. Everything thing they do, is almost always for self gain .Small little motivators to position people in the spot that they want. To control things. I’ve found that when people who are used to the control, whether it’s to control or being controlled, are taken out of that situation, its almost as if they don’t know how to act. Everything becomes volatile. The littlest spark becomes a wild fire. And they don’t understand why. If you spent your years doing something and adjusting to it, when it changes you’re not sure on what to do. Prison inmates are a chief example. They call it to be “institutionalized”. Where the situation you are in becomes all that you know and you accept it and become comfortable with it and any change in it will cause moderate discomfort. I don’t think you have to be in prison to be that way. Certain aspects of life can be that way. Some are due to fear and pain but others can hide in the guise of love. And the minute you question it, you are contradicting this so called love. You are made to feel like you are the bad guy. You are the villain. And then you are forced to submit for the sake of the feelings of another forsaking yours altogether to satisfy other person’s selfish acts. I see it and I admit, it would bother me but I understand it now so it doesn’t anymore. I understand people now. I get why they do certain things. I’m not expert. I can only talk about what’s been true to me. But in my immediate area, I know that no one really understands me and they don’t care to try long. I’m okay with this fact. Its not going to destroy me because I am bigger than that. I know it means nothing in the long run. I have adapted to being alone. I have become “institutionalized” by it. I have accepted the fact that it will never change. I just wished that people would understand themselves…then maybe they could understand me…
“If you understand the nature of a thing, you know what it’s capable of.”
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Skateboards anyone
Meh...what to do, what to do....Kat Von D...heard she is coming into town this weekend and I really want to meet her...thought about giving her my boxing gloves to sign along with her book....anyhoo...heard she has a wall skateboards she likes...Thank God she doesn't do this with snowboards....Hopefully one of these will be done by sunday...wish me luck....
Monday, October 25, 2010
Well, hey, HEEEEEEY!
In my never-ending quest to vanquish the foul foe known as the "Mess of Ages" in my guest room, I found various ancient and archaic artifacts that I had drawn over a course of time ranging from early 2000 to now and maybe some even older than that from the looks of it...anyway, my past failures are now your pleasures....enjoy...
An early attempt on my logo...not saying which one I settled on...
Yeah...I drew this one late one night and lost interest in it 3/4 through it...
Ask anyone....I love Beowulf....so much in fact that I wanted to do a comic on it.
I drew it and then I laid down some definition and shadows on it...
Mom asked me to draw a simple cartoony face....this is what I came up with..i dunno.
Well, one day I just drew random sketches from the Hulk in the back right, a devil in the center, some guy on the bottom right and another random dude, top left, lifting up some rubble...
An early attempt on my logo...not saying which one I settled on...
Yeah...I drew this one late one night and lost interest in it 3/4 through it...
Ask anyone....I love Beowulf....so much in fact that I wanted to do a comic on it.
I drew it and then I laid down some definition and shadows on it...
Mom asked me to draw a simple cartoony face....this is what I came up with..i dunno.
Well, one day I just drew random sketches from the Hulk in the back right, a devil in the center, some guy on the bottom right and another random dude, top left, lifting up some rubble...
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